maarzi – vvardenfellcat

♻

Send ♻ for a glimpse at an AU of my muse.

“So did you two fuck in the examination room?” J’hasi sprayed a mix of chewed Fruit Loops and milk back into his bowl, coughing and hacking, looking up at his roommate with a scandalized look.

“M-MAARZI!”

“Is that a yes? I want details.” J’hasi shook his head, wiping at his mouth frantically.

“N-NO! Azura’s blood, Maarzi, that would get him fired for sure!” His heart was pounding frantically in his chest as the Redguard plopped down on the couch behind him, her toes curling to press into the pads of his feet.

“At least tell me you told him how you felt.”

“N…no… It never came up.”

“Of course it didn’t. And like an idiot, you let this chance pass you b-”

“He’s coming over tonight to hang out. Pizza and a movie. Don’t assume it was just professional and nothing else.” Maarzi grinned.

“Is that why you were moving that sucker stick in and out of your mouth earlier? Something tells me you were hoping it was something a bit bigger…”

“M…Maarz, seriously…”

“Okay, so when he’s coming over? I don’t want to be a big cockblock should you two realize your overwhelming desire for one another and want to fuck.” J’hasi flushed.

“Wh…whenever he gets off work. I didn’t think to ask.” Maarzi leaned forward on the couch.

“Make sure you two cuddle on the leather couch, alright? It’s easier to clean, and it’s a better view anyway.”

“I-I don’t think it’s going to come to that…”

“Yeah, well, at least try to tell him that your poor little heart’s having trouble keeping to the right beat when he’s around. Seems like something he should know.” J’hasi pressed his hands over his face.

“…even if I could tell him… He’s a doctor, Maarz. He wouldn’t…”

“Wouldn’t go for you, yeah, you said that. Which is still a load of shit. You’re attractive as hell, you make a decent income yourself, and you’re smart. Not to mention the two of you would be hella cute on Saturalia cards.”

“…Khajiit, lycanthrope, and a stripper, Maarz.”

“All irrelevant in the grand scheme of things. Stereotypes are for idiots, you’ve kept your condition controlled safely, and if someone looks down on you for being a sex worker, then they have another thing coming.”

“I mean…he’s a doctor, and he’s got a reputation to maintain now. It’s more important than…”

“I like how you forget about the whole gay thing.”

“…th…there’s that too, but…”

“Anyways, don’t worry about it. It’s something that’s very personal, very important. Tell him. Or someday he’ll find someone that strikes his fancy and makes a life with them without ever knowing how you feel about him.” The thought of someone else touching the mer as he dreamed of, kissing over his eyes, gentle fingers on his jaw before leaning in… J’hasi’s teeth clicked shut, ears flicking back.

“…if it comes up.” He turned back to his bowl, a grumbling whine in his throat.

“Damn it…they’re all soggy…”

“Give it here.”

“I spat all that crap back in there, that’s disgusting.”

“I kiss you all the time, give.” J’hasi sighed, then handed her the bowl, heading back to the kitchen to make himself another bowl. By the time he came back to sit on the couch next to Maarzi, she was grinning, chuckling a little with a mouthful of cereal. He scowled at her.

“What?”

“You get so finicky about how soggy you’ll let your cereal get before you won’t eat it.”

“Shut up…” He sighed when she rubbed at the base of his ears, ruffling his fur around his neck, a peace offering before he finally caved, starting to purr quietly, eyes closing to the bare minimum needed to keep his cereal from spilling as he continued eating.

Opia

Opia: The ambiguous intensity of looking someone in the eye, which can feel simultaneously invasive and vulnerable.

His head throbbed, an eye swelling shut, and the Khajiit was sure that was blood he was tasting in his mouth. His tongue pushed at his teeth, anxious that one of them would give way under a press like they did in his nightmares so many times. The Redguard helping him walk got him to a stack of crates in the alley alongside the inn, whatever it was called in Ta’agra…Ta’agran? Whichever it was, it was exactly what came out of the stranger’s mouth, at least…he was pretty sure it was. It sounded sorta like it, though it was hard to tell with his head spinning. What they said though, that was a total mystery to the dizzy Khajiit. He caught one or two words, but nothing he could use to gain insight into what was said.

“<Do not talk good. Cyrodilic? Yes?>” By the Hist, it was even harder with a swollen cheek and that dizzying pain in his head. The Redguard laughed, saying something else a little quieter, getting far too close to his face, the Khajiit baring his teeth a little before they stopped and frowned.

“<…hurt?>” J’hasi nodded, adding a little spinning gesture with his finger, hoping that portrayed the dizziness that worsened even at the little nod. He shut his eyes for a moment, trying to keep his stomach from tossing up the water he’d drank, as well as the couple drinks…he didn’t even get to eat his meal did he?

He jumped, smacking away the hand that touched his face with a snarl, wobbling a little before falling off of the crate with a groan, curling up in the dust. The Redguard planted hands on their hips, muttering something before crouching down, pushing him onto his back.

“<Head hit, hurt bad. Sit still.>” The Khajiit spat out a few curses in Jel and Dunmeris alike as he pushed himself to sit up, feeling like he was going to fall right back over before the stranger grabbed him by the front of his shirt at the shoulders, righting him and pushing him against the crates. They were the only thing keeping him up to be honest, he really just wanted to lay down somewhere soft for a little bit… He flinched when the Redguard reached for his face again, giving him a stern look to keep him still before a gentle thumb pushed his eye open a little more, their own looking into his.

It was way too uncomfortable. Those eyes were too much like Jeer’s. He looked away, pushing their hand away from his face again.

“<No.>” The stranger huffed, frowning and looking very impatient with him. More muttered Ta’agra before they spoke up, speaking with the smaller words again.

“<Home? Here? Or no?>” J’hasi huffed, giving the barest shake of his head. The stranger looked at him for a few moments, then sighed, pulling him up to his feet again.

“<Come. Safe place.>” The Khajiit attempted to protest…which might’ve been more effective if he hadn’t suddenly turned to vomit in the alley, nearly losing his balance in the process. It was probably the only reason to be grateful for the firm grip keeping him upright. The last thing he needed was to fall into his own mess.

How (some) of my characters hug, totally @brielleroux‘s fault.

J’hasi’s hugs vary in intensity, from the cautious ‘oh, okay I think we’re friends (???) and they want to hug and that’s ok’ to ‘I missed/care/etc you, I-would-die-for-you’ sort of hugs. The former is easy to get out of, almost as if he thinks you’re made of glass: overly cautious and gentle. His hands rest on your upper back while his chin just barely touches at your shoulder, typically on your right side. It’s brief unless the other person doesn’t seem to want it to end just yet, but eventually he’ll get fidgety and pull away.

The ride-or-die hugs are firmer, not suffocatingly tight, but firm enough as if to say ‘I’m here, and I’m not going anywhere’. His face usually ends up buried in your shoulder or rubbing against it or your face (or chest, if the recipient is taller than him), his eyes are shut and his hands, rather than resting almost timidly on your back feel more like he’s actually holding you rather than 2 seconds from pulling away. His tail even curls around both of your legs, either brushing or hovering. Purring may happen. It happens a lot.

—

Maarzi hugs you like you’re her best friend and lover all in one, always. A big hug, oftentimes picking you up and spinning you around before setting you down again, arms going around the back of your neck as she starts talking to you, usually not letting go for a while unless requested. She puts her forehead to those she’s especially close with, gently rocking side to side. The hug usually parts with a smack on the ass if she’s feeling playful. Family or those who request more platonic forms of departure get a hair/mane ruffle instead. J’hasi usually gets both, with a steady dose of grump in reply. She thinks it’s cute.

—

Jeer-rah hugs like they haven’t seen you in ages, and usually just with one arm, though it’s more of a squeeze than a hug. They’ll jostle you a little bit and keep their arm around your shoulders when they chat with you for a bit, eventually slipping off and the hug is over. They only hug with both arms when they’re comforting someone. Comfort hugs are firm, their head pressing against the side of yours, moving to pressing against your forehead if they’re talking to you, their arms around your shoulders initially and moving to around your ribs when more at rest. The hug doesn’t so much as end as drifts apart, Jeer letting you pull away at your own pace.

—

Stalks-In-Shadows’ hugs are death. If he’s hugging you it means you’re about to get stabbed in the back, strangled, or your neck snapped. DO. NOT. HUG.*

*J’hasi is rare exception, but his hugs are possessive ‘this is mine’ hugs rather than ‘I care about you’ hugs.

—

Baht is an awkward hugger. He doesn’t know where to put his hands, so he ends up curling his hands into fists and holding you around the shoulders or middle, depending on height. Tends to pick people up when he’s excited. Also doesn’t know his own strength, and apologizes when he squeezes too hard.

—

Sees-In-Mist has only been seen hugging one person, ever. They still hug ‘their little Ei’ as they did when he was a wee hatchling, almost like they’re trying to gather him up and carry him. One hand is on his lower back, the other at the back of his neck, guiding him to rest his head over their shoulder, oftentimes stroking J’hasi’s fur. Their tail curls around both of their legs, but doesn’t touch. Protective and safe vibes on the inside, the outside has a firm warning of ‘you fuck with my kid and you’re dead’.

◆

4E 108, Elsweyr

It’s been ten years today. Maarzi probably doesn’t remember the exact day, but I remembered the shift in seasons from the fading spring to the scorching summer when I passed into Elsweyr for the first time, how hard it was to keep hydrated in what felt like a place doing all it could to cook me alive. Ten years I’ve been traveling with her, ten years of contracts and meeting her friends, family, all the good and bad times we shared… It’s incredible when I think back to then, when I had been convinced that the world was my enemy. I’m not sure how I survived living then, so full of mistrust and paranoia. It’s been hard, yes, but hasn’t that how it’s always been?

Of course it still hurts, knowing that I can’t share with her the same as she’s shared with me. My family is either dead or in places too dangerous for outsiders, and my only friends left still breathing are the ones sitting right across from the table from me. She’s all that’s good in this world, through the pain and the struggle she smiles, all fire and fight. Maybe that’s why I felt drawn to her even during that dark time since Jeer rejoined the Hist, left me behind.

Yet even with all that good… I can’t help but think that it can’t last forever. I haven’t aged a day in the last decade, nor will I ever. It hurts to know that, someday, she’ll fade from this world same as everyone else, and I’ll be left alone again. I don’t like to think about it, but I have to face reality and know that it will happen, when, I don’t know. I’m afraid of that day coming too soon, but even thirty, forty years from now is too soon. Because once she’s gone, and if I haven’t gotten the cure by then, I can’t follow. I’m not even sure even with the cure if I could follow, where she’d go. I don’t want to lo

[The last few lines are smeared and unreadable.]

3 and 17

3. Tell us about a time they were rejected.

Maarzi tried asking out her friend Riheh several times, usually as sort-of-a-joke-but-sort-of-serious thing. The first few times were more of a startled ‘wtf no’ sort of response, usually with Riheh throwing whatever she had in her hands at her (flowers, papers, etc). Later on it was more of an amused no, with little else happening aside from resuming what they were doing/talking about.

—

17. What sort of characteristics or quirks draw them to someone?

J’hasi tends to gravitate towards people that can handle themselves and express kindness towards others, especially towards those less fortunate than themselves. Those who speak Jel/Dunmeris, Argonians, Dunmer, and most magic-users are usually given more interest initially, but unless there’s something to hold his attention, it won’t linger long.

[ ✢ ]

✢ for a good memory that makes them smile

He wasn’t sure how long they’d been laying here under the stars. Long enough for the sands to cool to the point that they’d needed to grab a blanket to cuddle under, long enough for Masser to cross half of the heavens with a shadowed Secunda leading the way. Long enough for Maarzi to slide her hands under his shirt and around his ribs to his back to warm them, or so she said. Long enough that the closeness and warmth was making him feel drowsy, eyes half-lidded and taking in the thousands, millions of pinpricks of light glittering over the night sky, swathed in thicker bands of duller light beyond.

Long enough for it to feel like they’d been laying there forever, but not long enough to want it to stop. He could feel Maarzi pressing a kiss to the underside of his jaw.

“Are you overthinkin’ again?” she asked, her voice a quiet murmur, a puff of warm air against his throat. The Khajiit swallowed reflexively, glancing down a little to see her ruff of hair before laying his head back down to look back up at the sky.

“No.”

“Promise?” J’hasi smiled a little, his tail tip tapping on the edge of the blanket.

“Promise.” He could feel Maarzi’s fingers flex over his sides, enough to tickle a little, but not enough to make him jump.

“Alright. Because you know what happens when you do.”

“Surprisingly, I haven’t thought at all. …much…” Another kiss, this time over his sternum.

“Much?” He sighed, seeing the Redguard lifted up by his inhale before being lowered back down again. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to breach the particular topic that had been on his mind for a while now, quiet in the background like the peeper-frogs in the marshes back home, or the far-off churring grumbles of a durzog in the Ashlands. He lifted his hands from where they’d been resting, a comforting weight over his partner’s lower back to move them higher to midway up her shoulderblades, fingertips tracing light circles over them.

…maybe…not now… The Khajiit’s gaze flicked back up to the skies, stars scattered over the darkened heavens that cast a faint light over the sands.

“I don’t understand how you use the stars to find your way out here. The sun I understand, with how Magnus rises and sets, but…the others? Not to mention you don’t have a lot of landmarks that sit in one place out here.” Maarzi chuckled, twisting a little in his hold so she could look up at the sky too, snuggling in closer to keep warm. As she pointed up to different stars, the start-stop of her voice rumbling gently over his chest, he snuggled in closer, breathing in her scent, enjoying the moment while he could.

He could ask another time.

♡ :Is there a certain scent that brings about nostalgia? If so, describe a memory this scent brings back.

There’s lots of scents that give that feeling, but not a lot of them have specific memories attached to them. The tickling, almost acrid warm scent of Sees’ smudge stick, the damp, old-growth scent of a long rain in Black Marsh, the bitter, dry scent of trauma root growing in the Ashlands all have unspecified memories attached to them, mostly just being in the places the scents are associated with.

There’s only a few scents that trigger specific memories. The smell of warm, caramelized sugar usually brings up the night of a bar brawl in a tavern in Elsweyr, followed by the usual generalized memories of traveling with the source of that scent, the Redguard who saved his ass from said bar brawl. In general, the scent brings back those good days traveling in a dry wasteland that was nine kinds of ‘oh fuck me, sand’, but made less awful with a quick grin and good-natured teasing.

(2, 4 and 13 :>)

2. Do others like you? Do you want others to like you?

J’hasi frowned, ears flattening a little.

“Seems like some people do. Or they at least tolerate my presence. I’m…not exactly sure someone likes me unless they come right out and say it, and normally people don’t do that.” He sighed, rubbing at his jaw as his eyes flicked to his boots.

“Wanting people to like me, though… That’s… …I do and I don’t… I’d like that, because…I miss familiarity. I miss having friends. But…” ‘I’m afraid of hurting them. I’m afraid of messing everything up. I’m afraid they’ll be in danger because of me. …I’m afraid that they’ll turn on me…’

“…I’m a fugitive. I can’t afford to get attached.”

—

4. How do you know when you’re in love? (romantic or platonic)

“I don’t.” The answer was abrupt, ears flicking back as his gaze lowered.

“At least…I don’t think so… …when someone I cared about…really cared about was in danger…” J’hasi sighed, rubbing the back of his neck and looking away off to the side.

“I don’t know… I never asked Maarzi about that. Part of me wishes I just would’ve. I still don’t know what I felt about her… It was different than with Baht or Brynring, even Jeer-rah.” A long sigh issued from his nose before he shook his head.

“I don’t know. If they’re my friend, I care about them. That…that should be enough…”

—

13. What could make you break your own moral code?

The Khajiit’s expression hardened.

“Ask the Thalmor. Or anyone else who hurts or kills those who can’t defend themselves. Any who abuse their power over those without…they don’t get mercy.”

ツ = Does the character steal the covers or has the covers stolen off them?

When he used to get sick he would, but usually J’hasi’s the one getting covers stolen from. Shadows and Maarzi were both notorious blanket-hoggers, and sometimes Maarzi would even pull J’hasi closer because he makes an excellent heated pillow to snuggle into. Jeer would use him as a blanket rather than using an actual blanket.

Only in really cold climes when J’hasi’s sleeping outside does he get a bit more possessive of his blankets, but considering he’s only briefly traveled with others in such climates, it’s rare for a battle for the bedding to occur.

Is there anyone you love, J’hasi? And by that I mean platonic love. Who is the first to come to mind and why? How about romantic love? Have you ever been ‘in love’ with someone, that you know of?

His brows furrowed, mouth pressed tight as his tail tip flicked quietly behind him.

“I’ve only been in Skyrim for maybe a month, month and a half now. That’s hardly enough time to grow to love anyone. Platonic or otherwise.” The Khajiit’s flattened ears pulled back as he was made to continue answering the questions, despite wanting to leave it off at that. He sighed, gently rubbing his forehead with the tips of his fingers.

“There’s at least two people I would like to see again, but…they’ve their own lives and paths to keep them occupied. I’m fond of Rhen and Brielle both, but I haven’t known them long enough for much more than that.” J’hasi’s gaze lowered a little, a little hurt flicking over his face.

“And that Aldaril lad…I can’t trust him, knowing that he’s in the Thalmor. I can’t risk getting any closer to him. It would be stupid to get too attached to people around here anyway. I’m a fugitive, and a monster on top of that. Too much at stake.” His expression pushed a notch closer to miserable, his ears drooping a little as his shoulders tensed closer to himself.

“Far as…relatively recent platonic love goes…Baht was one. Good kid. Most of the Blades I felt some form of bond with, but Baht…he was special. I trained him myself and watched over him as he grew up… I was so proud of him. …I’m pretty sure I was in love with Maarzi. Whether it was romantic or not I can’t say. I have no idea. I don’t exactly know how romantic love works. From what I can tell, it’s the same as platonic love, except that people who aren’t even involved expect you to bed each other and get married and have little ones. But then again, I was told by Maarzi herself that none of that was required. Even after mulling over what she explained in the years since, I still don’t understand it.” J’hasi rubbed at his jaw with his knuckles.

“People always say that they would die for their partner, but I would die for my friends just as quickly if it came down to it. In stories, I used to wonder why people would do such overtly suicidal things for each other, to ‘prove their love’, and it was packaged to be the prime example of romantic love. If it truly was love, one wouldn’t have to prove it to anyone. It just is.” The Khajiit sighed, looking confused and frustrated as his ears pinned back.

“I would kill to protect my friends if required, but I wouldn’t do stupid things like jumping off of cliffs and related idiocy like that. So that, and how other people view you and whoever you love seems to be the only difference. Idiocy and expectation. Both of which I try to avoid on a daily basis. If I give a damn about someone, the only people who should be concerned about the exact nature of it is me, and whoever I have those feelings for.” he huffed, gaze flicking back to the ground.